Royal Cueto Bein’
If you can remember back a few years, Johnny Cueto 401KO'd Jason LaRue with a kick to his head. When he got up, LaRue couldn't see straight and needed to retire. Elsewhere, Yordano Ventura (7 IP, 1 ER,...
View ArticleCole Meets Oil
Yesterday, Latos was traded to the Dodgers, then not traded. Then CarGo was traded to the Mets, then not traded. Then Cole Hamels was traded to the Rangers, and really traded, I think. I don't know,...
View ArticleToronto Pays Price Tag In Canadian Dollars
You know they say, every Blue Jay fan has his Price, and every dog has his day and what does the cat say? Me-ouch. Is that a well-known idiom? Sounds like something Pol Pot would've said. "You look...
View ArticleSeager’s Workin’ On My Buy Moves
Corey Seager should've been called up already. Brucely, we're up against it with the Dodgers. We have the aging vet, Jimmy Rollins, who looks like toast if you were to take doodie and pat it into the...
View ArticleWeezie Severino Is Moving On Up
Luis Severino will be called up to face the Red Sox on Wednesday and presumably will stay in the rotation for the busted, no-candy-giving Pineda. I say presumably, because can we really be sure about...
View ArticlePray For J-Fer To Be Safer
I'm picturing Droopy Dog saying, "Going down," to my Excitement for Jose Fernandez. My Excitement for J-Fer is hooking up with a strobe light honey at a club, and my Excitement for J-Fer's friend later...
View ArticleBird Man Loose In New York
Greg Bird was called up by the Yankees. I wonder if when Greg Bird dies his ghost will be harassed by a 1980's black gang calling him Larry Bird. But, more importantly, let's pray Bird doesn't wear...
View ArticleDraftKings: Fiers Away!
Fresh off a no-hitter, Mike Fiers is priced at $10,300 today. Are we going to buy into the no-hitter curse, that the following game he'll get destroyed and prove that the no-no was a fluke? That...
View ArticleJust Take That New Seager Off The Shelf
Hashtag, oh em gee. Hashtag, my hashtag is an honors student. Hashtag, back again, check it to wreck it, let's begin. Corey Seager was called up. I just got goosepimplies on the butterflies that...
View ArticleArchduke Of Strasburg Empire Takes Feet Off Ottoman
You wanna know what's on my mind? "If the Nationals wouldn't have shut down Stephen Strasburg three years ago, would they have been eliminated a day earlier this year?" No, that's not on my mind....
View ArticleCoghlan’s Law: Bury The Kangs, They Stink Up The Joint
Yesterday, Chris Coghlan went full Ivan Drago on Jung-ho Kang's knee, taking him out in a hard slide. Kang is now done for the year, and could miss a month of next season, with a torn MCL. That's not...
View ArticleTop 100 Starters for 2016 Fantasy Baseball
If I told you this post ends our position 2016 fantasy baseball rankings, would you believe me? What if I told you it while holding your mom's hand while calling you son, would you believe it more or...
View ArticleSchwarber Hurts Ankle In Impromptu Audition For DH Job
My schmohawk posts are like the fantasy equivalent of Final Destination. First, A.J. Pollock loses his season, then Kyle Schwarber is carted off the field after running into Fowler. If I were Miguel...
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No Whammies!, Week 2: Chill Bruh
Welcome to Week 2 or better known as Overreaction Theater. This is the time when every pitch, hit, strikeout and blown save is scrutinized more than a teenager looking in the mirror at pimples....
View ArticleVince V. Is So Money And Doesn’t Even Know It
And if Vince V. is so money, it would make the Padres a bunch of Swingers. Seriously, tell me Vince Velasquez wasn't money? He struck out 16, baby. He only gave up three hits, baby. He is a...
View ArticleOne Man’s Trash: Using Witch Hazel to Cure Your Offensive Hemorrhoids
We're just over two weeks into the regular season now, and perhaps things haven't gone as well as you hoped for on your fantasy team. You've fantasized about taking a hammer to Ian Desmond's fingers...
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Points League: Prince Down
You know who I'd really love to punch in the face? Justin Upton. When did he become B.J. Upton. I'm sorry, I mean the artist formerly known as B.J. Upton. Justin has more strikeouts than Chris Davis,...
View ArticleCarlos Carrasccident
People standing to the side, huddled together. Faces ashen. All they could talk about was the moment the Carlos Carrascident happened. There was nothing anyone could do. It was as if time slowed...
View ArticleDraftKings: #LATOS
If you happen to be a non-millennial reading this then you remember a time when # meant “Pound” and didn’t mean “Hashtag”. If you are a millennial you’ve likely already skipped this intro and skimmed...
View ArticleHomered Once, Twice, Three Times A Lawrie
Could this finally be Brett Lawrie's post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post hype breakout? I don't want to overrate or prorate or ameliorate a past inveterate obturate to eviscerate...
View ArticleShowtime For Skin ‘Em Max
Owning Max Scherzer last night was like watching the Showtime classic, Emmanuelle, the erotic thriller starring Emmanuel Lewis as Webster Schlong and Alex Karras as George Papadopepuss. Through 6 IP,...
View ArticleSAGNOF Report: Smoke Show Stealing The, Well… Show
You see that old rocking chair in the corner? That's me, mister reliable. Made of wood and literally been around these parts since the dawn of time. I may not be the smartest fella, or the fartest...
View ArticleRubby Bein’ A Giant Surprise …And The Top 100 Starting Pitchers, Week 7
Nothing is a better, giant surprise than a Rubby in the morning! Rubby De La Rosa has always been a guy with a power fastball and plus slider, but it's never been enough. Ks haven't been there, he...
View Article(Dy)Sunrise, (Tolle)Sunset
Tolleson had his cookies tossed for the last time on Tuesday. Or maybe Shawn Tolleson caused his owners' cookies to be tossed? Sounds too passive, said Flesch-Kincaid, but you get the idea. By the...
View ArticleI Feel A Draft — Get Me My Don’t Give A Shit Cardigan
And, with the first pick of the MLB draft, the Philadelphia Phillies take... Someone that was born in 1998. I have a bottle of ketchup older than that. In fact, I think I have an entire shelf of...
View ArticleThat’s Why The J.D. Needs A Clamp
Just Damn. Just Doh. Just Don't-tell-me-he's-out-for-the-year. Just Depression. Just Difficulty-feeling-happiness. Just Dis-stress-is-stressing-me-out. Just D-negative-words-in-the-thesaurus....
View ArticleThor Should’ve Known Better To Cheat Fans About Careless Bone Spur
Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times. Terry Collins said, "No one would know our business if it wasn't for giving the PR job to a puppy...
View ArticleNorris Can K Eleven Twins With Only Thirty Strikes
Yesterday, Daniel Norris went 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Deserved better than a no decision, but he's 23 years old, making $500,000, so who cares what he deserves? I deserve...
View ArticleA Dozen Ks Ain’t Bad For Amir Rookie
Amir Garrett, or as he's commonly referred to as, Muslim Mrs. Garrett, took Natalie, Jo, Blair, Tootie and that little white kid, who no one remembers, to school last night. Muslim Mrs. Garrett was...
View ArticleLost Boy Corey Failed, Man!
Corey Kluber left yesterday's game with lower back discomfort, before giving up five earned in three innings to the Tigers. In every game, the Tigers look like John Jaso, just dreadful. I mean, you...
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